Last night, Tweaker, x64, me, and a few others were talking on Skype. x64 decided he wanted to contribute something to the community. Tweaker okayed it and this is what he got:
[spoiler]"Sonic Unleashed" review by x64
When I went out and purchased Sonic Unleashed, many things were going through my mind. I was wondering if it would capture the thrill and experience I had when I went out and bought Sonic and knuckles 15 years ago. But as I stuck the cartridge in my Sega Wii, It turned out that this game sucks even more than anything nintendo has to offer.
My first quibble is about the parallax scrolling. They don't even have more than one layer of parallax scrolling as featured in games such as Teneiko III, Mortal Combat 4, Dark Metal SR, and Jewels 48. Its just a sliding pinata of roulette like the bonus line-up game of Super Mario Brothers 3.
My second quibble is about the object placement. The objects were upside down and backwards when viewed from different angels. and devils. I also think that the controls for the long jump (Z+hold A while running) is just fucked up. Seriously. It took me 73 tries to get and even then it wasn't working correctly. I was told I needed to by a plugin for this but… I don't know. I don't like aftermarket parts on my hedgehogs.
My third quibble is about extensibility. I enjoyed the fact that most of the level layouts were stored as XML files in the /arena directory, but I didn't really understand the coordinate system. It doesn't exactly match the debug readout, either in 1 or 2P split screen mode. The networking subsystem tended to cause the coordinates to reset to 0 anytime the connection dropped. This is compared to such games such as Doom 64 and Jackblack where the network connection dropping causes a netplit, if you will, where the disconnected members disappear from existance.
Overall I found myself in the game a lot, and I really enjoyed some of the artwork, with the exception of the totum poles. As an avid retro gamer I honestly don't understand why they didn't put more pigs in CNZ where they belong. Let me talk about the 6 essential properties of pasta:
1. Length – The longer the pasta, the harder it is to eat. The longer speghetti noodles don't rival the shorter pasgetti nutsax. The shorter ziti gets even easier, all the way down to the turning point which is the tiny pasta kernels that come in rice-a-roni. Those are a bitch to eat.
2. Color – Eveyrone knows only the most gourmet patsas come in tri-coloure and quadra-coloaur. Simple white just doesn't do it anymore. Also kudos to the chocolate pastas and pestos.
3. Sauze – Dry pasta just doesn't cut it. What cuts it? Sauzes. Afleredo, Lenovo, or Lemondine, these sauces are sure to excite your tittelating tastebuns. We have 3 seas chicken cheeser salad for all the little ones. Macaroni and cheese? Nah.. cheese and macaroons!
4. Quantity – The amount of noodles totally completely gums up the works, flucks the stuff, and jimmies up the niggers. Thats not mice in a minute, that's mice with absolutely chedder go!
5. Hard/Softer – The hard or softer the crunch of the crisp, the softer or longer the volume of the fifth. You wouldn't wanna bite into a spoon full of rotoni wheels and have it feel like you're chomping into 2 scoops of raisin brans without the milk or the raisins. I guess thats really just total without the nutrients. I guess they didn't get the ring or the time bonus. 9:59? Not with post cereal.
6. SGR – SGR needs lots of money to get from Ornoth Calorina to Jew Nersey, it's gonna take a lot of money! A whole lot of spending money. It's gonna take plenty of money. To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it right child! Oldbies at ten o'clock? No! Oldbies NOW. We diamond change and we diomand it now! Lets go baby lets go!
Overall I think this game could use some more pathos. I'm also not sure about what happened the one day when I was playing Tasty Tonic Zone and a person showed up on the right side in the dark with big cheeks. He had glasses and looked lke a pedophile. Also the music in this game sucks. It sounds like something form a barbie commercial. I wish I could take a break from this amazing game to get a glass of minute maid orange tangerine drink, but I'm not drinking it. Who would I believe? Robert Loggia! Wow! Hi Mr. Loggia! Billy! Your mom's right, new minute maid orange tangerine delight is full of fucking calcium! THANKS MISTER LOGGIA. He burned the fucking negatives to the shoot."[/spoiler]